Sadness

I've just uploaded my layout for my July Scraps of Life challenge over at DSS. The theme for this month is 'My Dream Job'.

My dream job is definitely the one I have now - which makes me smile, as when I got this job I had been working in a different part of the hospital, but only part-time. I had split up with Andy and I couldn't survive on the very small wage I got for working just 16 hours per week; so I managed to get myself a full-time job at the Eye Centre. At the time, it was only supposed to be a stop gap until I could find a job nearer to home (the Eye Centre is about 6-7 miles away); but here we are almost nine years later and I'm still there, and I can't imagine wanting to work anywhere else.

That place is a second home to me. I love my little office, even though it is cluttered and usually messy. I love most of the people I work with. I love working with Si, who is an extremely talented Consultant and great to work with - I think we make a great team. Most of all I love being able to help the patients, by sorting out their queries for them. I love it when one of our 'regulars' will just ring up for a chat - it's nice for me to feel like part of something; and for them to feel like I care.

That said, today has been a very sad day at work. Over the past couple of months I have got to know one of our patients quite well from frequent telephone conversations. She is African, and has multiple medical problems, including being on dialysis, being diabetic and having mobility problems. Recently I have been trying to sort out a problem that she has had getting transport to her hospital appointments - the patient transport service basically refused her transport because they said her medical conditions did not warrant it. We did a letter to them last week appealing against the decision and asking them to reconsider; and finally today after much to-ing and fro-ing, I got them to agree to provide her with transport. I last spoke to her on Tuesday last week, and I tried to ring her on Friday, but there was no reply. I have been trying all day today too - because we wanted to get her in tomorrow for cataract surgery. Finally, I rang her GP to just ask if they knew if she was okay, or if perhaps she'd been admitted to hospital or anything.

I was totally gobsmacked and gutted when they told me that she had in fact passed away last Tuesday. I just can't believe it. I spoke to her on the phone on Tuesday. Even worse, there is a strong suspicion that she did not die from natural causes. I just can't explain how bad I feel - there is part of me that knows that I did everything I could possibly do to help this lady ... but still part of me feels that our conversation on Tuesday where I told her that I wasn't getting anywhere with the transport department, but that we were still trying, could perhaps have been the last straw for her. She was very unwell, and was known to suffer from depression, and I can't bear the thought that she felt that she couldn't go on and that something I said or hadn't done could have contributed to her decision. I'm left wondering if I really did do enough, or if there was something else that I could and should have done, though realistically I know that I did everything in my power.

Generally I feel that it is an integral part of my job that I care about the patients ... but sometimes it hurts to care.

F - may you Rest In Peace.