AWOL (Warning - Long and Rambling)

The last few weeks have been fantastically busy. We had a really important inspection last week at work which meant an awful lot of overtime in a short space of time; and as a consequence of so much frantic activity in that direction I'm really behind on everything else at work. So work has been pretty much non-stop for the last three or four weeks, and I'm struggling to keep up with everything.

That said, I am enjoying the pace, even though there have been several days when there wasn't even time to make coffee or go to the loo. There's nothing quite so satisfying as being busy and getting stuff done.

Unfortunately another result of so much frenetic activity is that I've been feeling distinctly stressed - like I said, the inspection was REALLY important, and caused us a lot of stress. So stress means I have problems sleeping. It would be so nice to just go to bed and sleep, sleep, sleep ... but I haven't had a decent, refreshing night's sleep for about three weeks.

It's no surprise that at this moment I'm feeling incredibly down. I have no motivation to scrap. Actually, I have no motivation for anything much at the moment. For me, depression = paranoia/very low self-esteem, and I can see myself thinking stupid things and getting my knickers in a knot about stuff that is insignificant in the grand old scheme of things.

The really stupid thing is that at the moment I have lots to be happy about. My boss was really pleased with all the work I put in before the inspection, and she sent me a gorgeous bonsai tree as a thank you. I honestly couldn't ask for anyone better to work with. She also wants to push for me to get my job upgraded to a higher grade as she feels that the job I do involves duties and responsibilities far above and beyond the grade that I'm on. I don't hold out much hope of it ever happening, to be honest, but we can but try, and I am naturally delighted that she believes in me that much. I also had another pressie today, from one of our doctors, 'on behalf of the department' (but I know that he paid for it) - also for my work for the inspection - a gorgeous ornamental orchid plant (my boss had one too - hers is pink and mine is white). My kids are lovely, and loving. Even Colin isn't being as much of an idiot as usual - so there really is lots that should make me happy.

I found myself giving myself a good talking to yesterday on my drive to work. I know how my mind works. I know the signs that indicate depression for me and I've got quite good at analysing what's going on. So by the time I got to work yesterday I was feeling a bit better ... but it didn't take long for that feeling to dissipate. I see myself repeating the same old patterns time and time again and I just can't seem to break the cycle. My biggest problem is knowing that I can't expect the same standards of behaviour from other people that I would use myself. Just because I am kind and considerate and affectionate to ALL the people I care about, it doesn't necessarily follow that they will treat me the same way, even if they do care about me. I wouldn't feel so bad if I didn't feel so stupid, know what I mean?

My problem is, I will go way out of my way to help people out ... why? Because I want them to like me, and I'm stupid enough to think that really going the extra mile for someone will make them like me more, make them want to be my friend. At the same time, I also know that going the extra mile means that people are liable to take advantage of my good nature. And it doesn't make them like me any more than they would have liked me anyway. I've always wanted to be one of the popular girls ... the daft thing is that I more than likely am anyway, but I can't get over that feeling of inferiority that's been ground into my head because I am fat and therefore not normal or as good as everyone else. I'm the first one to tell my boys that the important thing is the person inside, and that the people who care about you don't see how big your bum is or how many chins you have, they see the PERSON; but I'm the last one to practice what I preach.

Why am I fat? Ahhh ... now there's a question that brings up all sorts of answers. In short, I'm fat because my teenage years brought a fair amount of trauma, and my coping mechanism was food, and lots of it. It's a very hard cycle to break, and every time I look at myself in the mirror I am reminded what brought me to this state. I know that ultimately the person I am today, and the size I am today is a direct result of my life experiences. If I could change things, I would eliminate that trauma, and maybe things would have been different. Maybe I would have a fabulous body with lots of confidence and self-esteem, maybe I wouldn't have spent half of my life worrying about what people think of me and being so afraid of being in the spotlight. Who knows? Maybe I would, maybe I wouldn't. I'm never going to know, am I, so I just have to make the best of what I have because THIS is my life, this is what destiny is giving me and I have to get on with it.

I know what's bugging me this time (or at least what is contributing to the depression). I'm sick of being the enabler, the one who fixes everything, the one who puts themselves out for other people to help them achieve whatever it is they need, the one who devotes her time, skills and energies to help other people progress, while I just stay here and never get any further. I absolutely despise the fact that I need these other people to validate me, and make me feel like a good person because I put myself out (that's not why I do it, by the way), and to make me feel important. Most of all, I absolutely hate myself for feeling like I should be just soooooooo important to the people that I enable, to the extent that I feel like this when it's just so apparent that I'm not that important actually. So, as you can see I have issues that I need to address and sort out. I'm sick of always giving so much and getting very little in return. I can't and shouldn't let it continue. But you know what, despite knowing this, I can't see that I'll ever change. I just wish that the people who I do so much for would suddenly wake up to themselves and see how actually I need them to enable me for a while ...

So there we go ... that's me in a nutshell at the moment. Pathetic and stupid and repeating the same old patterns of behaviour that I've done for years and years, left feeling like an idiot yet again because I never learn the lesson.

Anyway, finally coming to the point now ... for that reason I'm going AWOL for a bit. I'm so sick of posting so much negativity here, so here is where I stop.

I'm going AWOL ... I might post some layouts or scrap related stuff occasionally, but other than that ... I'm planning on posting nothing. Nothing until I work on all my problems, and learn to love myself for who I am now, and the size I am. Not until I realise that I don't need those other people to validate me. Not until I understand my value and worth to the people that really matter. Not until I either learn to understand and accept that the people I do so much for just don't live by the same rules as I do, and learn to live with that; or find the courage to move on and leave them behind. Not until I have confronted my demons, dealt with them and locked them firmly away back in the past where they belong. And not until I can come back and make positive postings, because let's face it, who wants to read this shit anyway?

So bye for now ...