A Discovery

So everyone knows that I struggle mightily with depression at times ... well guess what, I made a discovery today that explains an awful lot.

In this house, PMT stands for Potentially Murderous Temper, I kid you not. I change into the Queen Bitch from Hell and lose all sense of reality. At times I've felt suicidal, but generally I feel like I've become some other person that I don't know.

Anyway, I digress. As a Cancerian I've long since come to terms with the fact that I am girlie and pathetic. I analyse everything to death, and I read all sorts of things into the most simple of things that people say to me. I basically become a paranoid, nervous wreck. IT'S NOT GOOD!!

I found myself doing it again this afternoon, obsessing and stressing over something a friend said to me even though the very small rational bit left of my brain was protesting and trying to get a grip. So, it's time to get it sorted. I made a detour on the way home to pick up some evening primrose oil and some st john's wort; and then I did a little search on the internet.

Depression has got something to do with reduced levels of serotonin, which is the chemical in the brain that controls your moods. Isn't it funny how things click? It didn't occur to me before ... I've been taking some meds for another health problem, and it looks like they're suppressing the serotonin too and hence the super-awful symptoms.

So yeah, I'm depressed, but - YAY! I know WHY I feel like this, and that's great.

One of the girls at work gave me a pep talk this afternoon when I was feeling so bad - she pointed out how much I've changed in the last year, and thinking about it, I have. Since June 2005 I've lost over four stone in weight, I've had all my hair cut off and gone blonde again, I wear make-up and I don't just buy clothes because they fit and look okay any more - I buy stuff because it looks GREAT!

Look at that pic on the left - that's me in August 2005 ... FAT FAT FAT! And look at that pic on the right - that was taken in August 2006 - quite a difference in just a year (well, I think so anyway!) It's true, I don't feel like I did this time last year. I do feel a bit more confident and generally better in myself. Anyway, my friend at work told me that lots of people have commented on the change in my attitude over the past year - she said that I didn't really speak to anyone this time last year, I kept myself to myself and wasn't seen round and about at work (I used to stay in my office) and I didn't care what I looked like; whereas now I'm constantly up and down the corridors and people have commented how I seem to always have a smile on my face and look so different etc etc.

So I've had a bit of thinking to do tonight, and I've come to the conclusion (not that it was difficult) that I can't continue putting my family through the hell of my depression (or at least not my Potentially Murderous Temper), so I'm going to work hard to get my diabetes up to speed and keep taking the evening primrose oil and st john's wort to see if they help. I already know that sorting out the big 'D' will make me feel a LOT better, so that has to be my main objective. Let's face it, if I want things to change, it has to come from me. I just need to stay focused and motivated and it will be alright. Hilz is right - I should be proud of what I've achieved this past year. There is so much more that I want to achieve - like more weight off (just another couple of stone), getting to grips with the house, developing friendships and generally just beating the depression and being happy.

I CAN do it. I WILL do it. I AM motivated. Well, okay, we all know my good intentions will fall by the wayside eventually, but I can but try.

Maybe if I can achieve some of the above I will finally be able to demolish that big wall that hides the real me from the rest of the world. Or at least I will be able to stop hiding from the people that I care about.

Ooh, such profoundidity (I made a new word!) on a Thursday evening - I'm so posh!